sweet schemes.

Who will miss me?

If I were to…disappear tomorrow, I wonder who would miss me? Who exactly would remember my existence and grieve for my passing? 

I’ve been in HK for three years and nine months- and when it really comes down to it, it makes me terribly sad when I realize I’ve really only made an impression on a handful of people, if even that many. And if I were to go, I’d be remembered as the flaky, late, full-of-excuses girl who really wasn’t worth getting to know.

What a wonderful way to live, knowing the above. 

It has finally come to this.

I feel a sense of loss and emptiness. Like drawing every breath takes more effort than the last. Like I’m a teenager all over again. Just let me wither away, world. Let me be.

Selfish

Why did you find the need to contact me again? It was over and done with- I’d successfully forgotten you. Now all I think about is the forced friendliness that must ensue, even though I still miss being with you…
I’d moved on. You should have too. I asked you if you were trying to atone for your sins or if you actually wanted to talk to me, but I wanted you to answer with the latter. Is that all you wanted? To get things off your chest?

Forgotten.

I’m afraid you’ll forget me. The way I smell; the way I smile. I know it will eventually happen (or maybe it’s happened already)…but I can’t bear the thought of you wrapped in the arms of another woman. To imagine you say the same words to her. 

If only…

If only they knew how much power they held over our emotions, changing the way the entire day would turn out. 

If only they understood the extent a word, or even none at all, could shape our perception of ourselves, and affect our self worth.

If only they could spend a day in our shoes- take a walk in our heels- and experience the amount of debilitating self-doubt and self-criticism the presence or the lack of a word has caused us.

If only they realized their manifestations in our dreams, and how unwillingly but unwittingly we’ve allowed them to affect our worlds, even in slumber.

If only I had the immense strength needed to take back the reins. If only.

I LOVE MY DAD

I LOVE MY DAD. no doubt about it. doesn’t matter (but doesn’t hurt) that everyone knows how great he is- all that matters is that his love truly comes from the heart, and his spontaneous generosity and kindness are some of his best qualities. sometimes he misses the mark, but most times he surprises me with his thoughtfulness and care. AND THIS EXTENDS NOT ONLY TO HIS FAMILY, BUT EVEN TO HIS FRIENDS, AND HIS CHILDREN’S FRIENDS AND ACQUAINTANCES. when i’m feeling morbid, i think to myself- what if i lost my dear baba? life would be horrifying without him….but i try not to focus on it. he didn’t raise a coward- he raised an independent thinker and a daughter who can fend for herself.

regardless, i never show my gratitude and appreciation enough, and need to start doing so. sometimes i get caught up in all the things i “don’t” have, and all the things i “want”- but i can’t let jealousy and spite stain my life, because I HAVE IT SOOO GOOD. so good. my loving family, wonderful education, health, security….are you there God? because it’s me, and i need to send up my immense thanks for all of the blessings you’ve given me. 

Trying to convince my friend to take down a horrible picture of me that they just posted on fbook

amagad this has sooo happened before. but it hasn’t been “please please please please”, more like “BITCHHHH you do it RIGHTTTTT NOW or else our friendship’s kaput”  :P

whatshouldwecallme:

When someone says: “what’s so bad about law school?”

OMGOD so true. hahahhaha gotta love the crazy look in her eyes

whatshouldwecallme:

(Source: realitytvgifs)